Ingredients for a Healthy Marriage

Song of Songs 1:2,9-11; 2:2,15: "(The wife says) 'Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-for your love is more delightful than wine' . . . . (The husband says) 'I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver . . . . Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens' . . . . (The wife says) 'He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love' . . . . (The husband says) 'Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.'"


In an age in which healthy, vibrant marriages are noticeably lacking, one would do well to consult the Holy Scriptures to find the ingredients that make the marital relationship everything that God intended for it to be. One great resource found with the Bible is the book entitled the Song of Songs. Whereas many would attempt to allegorize the book into an exclusively spiritual application of God with His bride, the covenant community, I believe that the passages contain abundant wisdom for human marriages today as well.


First, we find that the bride passionately desires to be with her husband; her time of fellowship with her love is something of which she longs intently. He is not an afterthought after she has had a long, tiring day. He does not play second fiddle to her friends, the kids, the soaps (or whatever was comparable then), her workout, or her daily tasks. Her husband is the delight of her life, and she longs for quality time with him.


This is a good word for wives today. Husbands long for their wives to show that they find their husbands desirable; husbands do not appreciate when they are perceived merely as human capital, designed solely to be an income producer for the family. In the Song of Songs, the wife lets her husband know that she desires him and delights in his fellowship: "How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant" (1:16). This husband looks forward to coming home after a hard day at the office, for he knows that his wife loves him, looks forward to his arrival, and wants to express her delight in him.


In turn, the husband praises the loveliness of his bride, even though she may struggle with her perception of attractiveness. In the passage above, the wife has said that her own vineyard (i.e. her body) has been neglected due to the laborious work that she has done in the vineyards. The years of exposure to the sun's rays and the hot climate have taken their toll on her, at least in her own mind. And though she feels she has little beauty, her husband calls out to her telling her that she is as priceless treasure . . . as priceless as the revered animals that carried Pharaoh in his chariot. Although we may find it difficult to see the affirmation in one saying to his bride that he likens her to a "mare," in antiquity, it was understood that the Pharaoh would only select the choicest of animals to lead his chariot in a royal procession. Thus, this wife would have heard from her husband that she is the apple of his eye . . . . to her husband, she is a person to be loved and cherished. Her responsive words affirm her feelings: "I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys." Her husband has communicated his love to her in such a way that she feels that she is very special and very beautiful.


This wife also feels protected and secure, for she says of her husband, "his banner over me is love" (2:4). Banners were used by kings to identify their subjects and to affirm the royal protective hand over them. This wife knows that her husband will provide the stability that she so earnestly desires. She never has to worry if her husband will be committed to her and will be a provider for her, and so she basks in the assurance that she is protected from anything that would harm her or her marriage.


There is a good word for the husbands here. Wives want to know that their husbands will provide them stability and security. They also want their husbands to love them and find them beautiful, irrespective of what time and/or life's experiences (e.g. children) will do to the body. We see the husband's most appropriate response to his wife in 2:2: "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." This husband is in effect saying to his love, "There is no comparison between you and other women . . . they are mere thorns compared to your loveliness." This wife knows that her husband is not "looking around" at other attractive women; rather, he is solely committed to her with a steadfast and exclusive love. In his exclamation of love, he cries out, "How beautiful you are my darling! Oh, how beautiful!"


Then as the spiritual leader of the home, the husband shares with his wife that they both need to "catch the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, (the) vineyards that are in bloom" (2:15). This husband recognizes that people and circumstances can creep into a marriage relationship and destroy it, and so he proposes that he and his wife be ready for anything that would attack their marriage. Just as a person would prepare in advance a lure and a trap to catch an animal that could destroy a vineyard, so too the couple has prepared their hearts in advance to deal objectively with anything that would begin to reek havoc and turmoil in their marriage. They "catch" the foxes by quickly addressing and eliminating any situation that would lead to unhealthiness in the marriage. They are motivated by their love for each other to protect each other and their marriage from outside predators.


Although there are many other passages in this book that could be used to illustrate the points mentioned above, what is telling is that this couple is committed to their covenant of marriage. They are are very aware and sensitive to the needs of their mate, for they love their spouse and want to be an agent of blessing. Both are affirmed and completely secure in the love that they receive from their partner; they never have to worry if there is a wayward heart found within their spouse. Because they are sensitive to the needs of each other, they both experience the vitality and fulfillment that God intended for a healthy marriage to present.


And why does God want each partner to experience this level of love in their marriage? For one thing, God wants us to know the beauty and security of loving and being loved unconditionally with no strings attached. And, it is when we experience this level of love that we in turn can appreciate more fully God's unconditional love and faithful fidelity that He has for each of us as His covenantal bride. No other relationship could better aid us in better appreciating God's love and commitment to us both now and for all eternity.